Home > Uncategorized > Mourning with Hope…pt 2

Mourning with Hope…pt 2

warning: the following is a little more stream of consciousness than I normally do.And a little longer. And a little more personal. But I’m working this stuff out and this is where I do that. your comments as always are encouraged!

I didn’t really intent to write a second post on our journey through grieving the loss of our child in pregnancy just a few weeks ago. God has been gracious to us though and I feel compelled to give thanks to him for the community of believers he has placed around us. We’ve been open with the loss of our child and the response has been a constant showering of care and compassion from God’s people. Thank you God for  allowing me to participate in biblical community. Wow. And thank you to those of you willing to be used by God to help carry our burden right now. We remain overwhelmed and humbled.

In our openness, we’ve encountered literally dozens of people who have been through the loss of a child in pregnancy (yes I am intentionally avoiding the word “miscarriage”). I continue to express something to these families they all have felt as well. There is really no understood grieving structure for families who lose a child in the early stages of pregnancy.  (Hear me out, this is not a bitter rant I promise. I’ve begged God to spare our family of bitterness and he has. I do not intend to let my guard down against it by ranting here.) No memorial service, no gravesite, and often no public acknowledgement whatsoever.

Courtney and I have at some points felt odd for being open with our grieving. We’ve been as public with the loss as we were with the announcement we were pregnant. That has resulted in more tears as friends and family come and mourn with us. Our first worship service together felt like a funeral as friend after friend came to give their condolences. On the way home that day I said to my wife “I know today was hard, but imagine how much harder it would have been if everyone acted like nothing had happened.”

I fear for so many families (1 in 5 pregnancies end this way) who have gone through this without the support of a community of believers. Without the gospel AND its community. We’ve been surrounded by both yet still have had conflict and times of weeping. Because this is HEAVY, PAINFUL stuff. Hear me very clearly: this is a loss of a loved one to mourn, not a bad event to trudge through. I cannot imagine the weight we would feel doing this all alone. I’m told divorce rates skyrocket after a couple loses a child in pregnancy. I am not surprised. I’m grateful God is granting us grace here to grieve well together.

So if you know someone who has gone through this, or you yourself have, I want to encourage you to treat it as the loss of a child, not a “miscarriage.” Tell some people. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, but you most certainly do not need to hide it either. Allow 1 Thessalonians 3 to be true of you. Grieve as those with hope found in Jesus’ death and resurrection.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. March 23, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    That passage in 1 Thessalonians has been particularly meaningful to us as well as we grieve the loss of our Olivia. It was very hard going back to church, for sure, and it still is…

  2. Ethan
    March 24, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Thanks for sharing man. We’re encouraged by your faith, and praying with you through this season.

  3. Carmen
    March 24, 2011 at 9:15 am

    (I followed a link from Keva Atwood, otherwise I’m a total stranger.) but I wanted to encourage u guys with something that happened to me yesterday. I lost two children in 2003 & 2004. It was so painful. During thy time, I loved the song from Natlie Grant “Held” & found much comfort & empathy. But fast forward 8 years and I heard the song yesterday. Singing it at the top of my lungs, looking at the two children God has directed me to, gave the song a whole new meaning. “To be held” while hurting can be comforting but to look back and see while He was holding me God had the faces of these two children in mind for me gave me a deeper, more complete understanding of what it means to trust His sovereignty.

  4. Michelle
    March 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Spence,

    You have done a fabulous job of articulating the emotions I felt during the loss of Mike and I children. It was an intensful grieving and growing together process as well as a trusting process with God. There are rarely days that go by that I don’t think about them, I look at our family photo and I see the missing children – I see the age gaps where another child of mine would have been and while I am thankful and very blessed by all if my kids I still look forward to the day where my whole family is united. Mike and I are still praying for your family. Thanks for putting into words what many struggle with,

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